Letting go...

Recently, I was going through some old pictures of mine. Funny stages of life, funny expressions but the constant in them, innocence. As I look at my pictures now, I see a reflection of that funny expression and the same innocence in my son's face. I want to hold on to it, make that last forever, and then I remember the voice in my head. The voice of my father, and I know there will be a time, when I will need to let go.

As a little girl, like all little girls, I loved the mirror, I saw the beauty in my being. I knew I would make Miss India to say the least. My father felt so too. With every awkward inch that I grew and every hideous outfit I wore (and yes there were quite a few of those), he was there to tell me how beautiful I looked. Even when my brother made fun of me, I only had to look at my father to feel confident.

When I fell in love the first time, he didn't like the boy I was dating and he told me so in so many words, I felt my father just did not understand me. What was wrong with him, did he not want to see me happy? Well, that's exactly what he wanted, and when my heart broke for the first time I didn't need to tell him that, not once did I see the look of "I told you so!!!" in his eyes. All I saw was, "my little girl is hurting, she needs a hug". And there they were, the enveloping arms that have made me warm, comfortable, loved and healed... ALWAYS!!! When I had found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I looked for his approval. I am sure he liked him, because all he asked me was if this is what I wanted in life, and if I was sure so early in my life. All it took was to look him in the eye and nod, and the smile on his face was all the approval I needed.

On my wedding day, as I took the first steps towards the car that would take me to my new family, my new identity, he stood there, arms folded. Where was the hug that was meant to comfort me, to give me the strength to take on this new life? It wasn't there, the arms unfolded only to wave goodbye. That wave was the only thing that brought tears to my eyes. (Yes, unlike most Indian brides, I did not cry on my way out). I asked him why the very next day, I questioned him, I showed him I was angry and hurt. What he said has been with me ever since. He told me that its not that he did not want to hug me, but he was scared of doing so. He was scared that I would see that he was not ready, not ready to let go of his little girl, to hand her over to a new someone, not ready to let her start battling the ups and downs of life on her own. ON MY OWN??? Why??? Where was he going??? "I am going to be right here, but you are the one starting a new life, with a new family, a new person. You take with you the values we have given you, but from now on you build on them taking in what your new family gives you. Take the best of both and make your own value system for the family you will build ahead. From here on you build the person you want to be. From here on you become YOU!". I looked hard at him, was he trying to crack one of his famous PJ's? No! he was serious.

I cant say I understood him then, but over the years, I did understand what he meant. So many times I was confronted with what I wanted to do, and what my family wanted to do and it was left to me to decide the path we were to follow. So many times, my son has looked up to me to give him the direction he needs, wanting me to say and do what he wants to, and I have had to guide him to a decision, even if it was something which was not part of his wish list. Now I know what my father meant by me becoming me. I don't think it would have been possible if he had not had the strength to let go, to make me take my own decisions.

I know that the circle of life will take over soon, my son will grow up and will need to take his decisions independently. I hope that when that time comes, I am confident that I have given him values that he can build on. All I pray today is that when the time comes for me, I am able to let life give that hug to my son, and watch him proudly with my arms folded.