A Special lesson of Love

As he walked into the room, he saw her. As he looked at her for the first time, he couldn’t help but stare. Mesmerized, he stood there, watching her curled up in a corner, sleeping. It was as if she knew someone was watching her. She immediately opened her eyes and looked up at him. That was all he needed to fall in love. Those eyes, almond shaped, so dark, it seemed she had lined them with kohl. She was the one. He wanted to get closer, and as he did, her eyes followed him. She looked up from where she was sitting. A puzzled look, a dainty look and a look that she quickly withdrew. He smiled as she looked at him from the corner of her eye. He couldn’t help laughing when she shyly stood up and walked towards the toy corner, looking for something. He then walked up to her and finally spoke. He doesn’t really remember what he said, but all he remembers is the lost look in her eyes that convinced him, she was THE one. He quickly turned around and smiled his broadest smile and announced to me, “Mom! I found my Special”.

Yes people, I am talking about my son Suraj and his first meeting with Special, his adorable puppy. As he picked her up in his arms she stuck out her nose trying to sniff behind his ears and snuggle up under his jacket. He then unzipped his jacket, held her next to him and zipped it up again. He spoke to the bundle in his jacket, assuring her that he would protect her, keep her warm and as she grew up, he would make sure that he becomes her best friend. That night as we drove home, he comforted her every time she whined, he held her close every time she shivered. The look on his face washed any doubt that I had about making the right choice. That night she cuddled up with him under his quilt and slept through the night. I was quite amazed since I was expecting a few sleepless nights till she got settled in. But of course, Special has always gone beyond expectations.
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What followed in the next few months was also beyond my expectations. I had not seen any dog chew through so many shoes, wires, tables, chairs, sofa corners, mobile phones, books, CDs, hair clips, scrunchies, bottle caps…you get the drift. Each time I screamed, Suraj was there to protect her, and then quietly take her to his room and give her a stern warning with the newspaper rod he had made. As she grew up, I thought her chewing would get lesser and slowly disappear. But that was not to happen. Nearly two years old, Special is still the chew queen. Recently, we came back from watching a film, to see her proudly sitting over my wide open office bag with the data cable of my I-pod and 4 of my prized pens all chewed to bits. As my screaming started, Suraj quickly removed all evidence of her misdeeds from right under my eyes and whisked her away to his room, I didn’t see either of them for the rest of the evening. In fact, the protection works both ways. One evening, I was extremely upset with Suraj and unlike other days, he was at the receiving end of my high pitched angry screams. As Suraj sat quietly on the bed pretending to listen to every word I shouted, Special came from the other room, climbed the bed and quietly put her head on his lap. She looked at him from his lap as though to say, “I know how it feels, and I know what you need.” As I left the room, I am sure I heard both of them sniggering and sharing notes on how it feels!

I often wonder what this bond between a boy and his dog is. I never believed that the Vodafone advertisement with the loveable dog following the little boy could ever be a reality. I was not convinced that there could be unconditional love like this. But then I saw it happening in my own home. I have seen her sitting by the door close to the time he comes home from school. Wonder how she tells time? But shes there, sharp at 3:30, waiting to hear that familiar voice, waiting to jump on him, run in front of him and then of course curl up to him and take the afternoon nap. I have seen him sit by her side petting her endlessly through the night when she was sick.

I am sure as both of them grow up, she will become a calmer, less playful dog, and he will be caught up in his studies and his friends. Maybe the time they spend with each other will get lesser with each passing year, but I can see that the bond they share with each other, is only getting stronger. Each time I see the two of them together, playing, running, laughing….I thank god for giving me these two wonderful beings who have taught me, in their own way, the meaning of Unconditional Love.

Fat by choice, Awesome by destiny!

Have you ever heard someone saying, “there’s just more of me to love” or “I’m just looking that way, the camera adds a few pounds” or “ I just love black, it reflects my right shape”. Excuses, excuses and more excuses. Weight woes and denial go hand in hand. I wonder what it is about the w word that gets women so defensive. Defensive and so utterly irrational.

A bunch of my friends once made plans to go to the water park in Kolkata. All plans made, clothes sorted out, timing fixed, etc etc etc. We all reached there and then came my turn to change into the lycra leggings and the t-shirt I had brought along… I was ready to let morning turn to noon before I was ready to come out of that dressing room. And then of course the famous lines “Who cares, who is watching me anyway” got me to emerge. For the rest of the day, the t-shirt was pulled down in the hope that it would somehow get longer and hide all the flab. That really did not happen. But then I realized also, that the one having most fun was me, and the reason for that was again my weight or too much of it. Apparently, water and friction react differently to different weight. The 60 ft drop and swing on a water slide lasted the longest for me because my weight pushed me up every time I hit the bottom of the slide. I was beaming with pride when my friends told me that I hit the highest level in the swing. The pride kept me from telling them that something didn’t feel right in my back, but what the heck I HIT THE HIGHEST LEVEL! HAH! The other water slide was no different, three of us launched off together, but when they reached the bottom, they sank, that was it for them, but the momentum I gained with my weight was so much that I got pushed across the surface of the water like a water surfer. The others tried and tried and tried, they could never achieve that feat. I returned that day as the crowned hero of water sports, the daredevil that knew the right technique. And now, I had a new excuse for the weight I carried around, I need this for the water sports that I am so passionate about. It’s a different issue that post that day, I have not seen the face of a water park, thanks to the 3 week therapy it took to get my back to hold itself up without pain.

Sometime back, I was asked to accompany my boss to identify shirts as gifts for the team. I was so proud to be the chosen one. The one with an eye for fashion, sophisticated taste and what not. It was only after reaching the shop, I realized that I was there for size fittings. It was identified that if something fits me, it will fit everyone else. That would be the brand to buy. Needless to say, there was no brand like that, and we had to scrap the idea of buying shirts for the team. In some way, I was happy to have contributed in the decision making process. My boss after all needed me to make the decision for an entire team. Gosh! I was so valuable!!!!

I have spent endless hours analyzing all that my weight has given me and whether I want to keep it or lose it. I still haven’t made that decision. Every time I need to spend hours looking for a pair of jeans my size, I decide its time to hit the treadmill. However, once I find that pair, I am so exhausted that I need rejuvenation in the form of a Maharaja Mac. Sigh! Life keeps us busy with choices to make and decisions to take. While many decisions come easily to me, this is by far the toughest one that I haven’t taken yet! And till I take that decision, I will continue to say “Fat by choice, AWESOME by destiny”!!!

Letting go...

Recently, I was going through some old pictures of mine. Funny stages of life, funny expressions but the constant in them, innocence. As I look at my pictures now, I see a reflection of that funny expression and the same innocence in my son's face. I want to hold on to it, make that last forever, and then I remember the voice in my head. The voice of my father, and I know there will be a time, when I will need to let go.

As a little girl, like all little girls, I loved the mirror, I saw the beauty in my being. I knew I would make Miss India to say the least. My father felt so too. With every awkward inch that I grew and every hideous outfit I wore (and yes there were quite a few of those), he was there to tell me how beautiful I looked. Even when my brother made fun of me, I only had to look at my father to feel confident.

When I fell in love the first time, he didn't like the boy I was dating and he told me so in so many words, I felt my father just did not understand me. What was wrong with him, did he not want to see me happy? Well, that's exactly what he wanted, and when my heart broke for the first time I didn't need to tell him that, not once did I see the look of "I told you so!!!" in his eyes. All I saw was, "my little girl is hurting, she needs a hug". And there they were, the enveloping arms that have made me warm, comfortable, loved and healed... ALWAYS!!! When I had found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I looked for his approval. I am sure he liked him, because all he asked me was if this is what I wanted in life, and if I was sure so early in my life. All it took was to look him in the eye and nod, and the smile on his face was all the approval I needed.

On my wedding day, as I took the first steps towards the car that would take me to my new family, my new identity, he stood there, arms folded. Where was the hug that was meant to comfort me, to give me the strength to take on this new life? It wasn't there, the arms unfolded only to wave goodbye. That wave was the only thing that brought tears to my eyes. (Yes, unlike most Indian brides, I did not cry on my way out). I asked him why the very next day, I questioned him, I showed him I was angry and hurt. What he said has been with me ever since. He told me that its not that he did not want to hug me, but he was scared of doing so. He was scared that I would see that he was not ready, not ready to let go of his little girl, to hand her over to a new someone, not ready to let her start battling the ups and downs of life on her own. ON MY OWN??? Why??? Where was he going??? "I am going to be right here, but you are the one starting a new life, with a new family, a new person. You take with you the values we have given you, but from now on you build on them taking in what your new family gives you. Take the best of both and make your own value system for the family you will build ahead. From here on you build the person you want to be. From here on you become YOU!". I looked hard at him, was he trying to crack one of his famous PJ's? No! he was serious.

I cant say I understood him then, but over the years, I did understand what he meant. So many times I was confronted with what I wanted to do, and what my family wanted to do and it was left to me to decide the path we were to follow. So many times, my son has looked up to me to give him the direction he needs, wanting me to say and do what he wants to, and I have had to guide him to a decision, even if it was something which was not part of his wish list. Now I know what my father meant by me becoming me. I don't think it would have been possible if he had not had the strength to let go, to make me take my own decisions.

I know that the circle of life will take over soon, my son will grow up and will need to take his decisions independently. I hope that when that time comes, I am confident that I have given him values that he can build on. All I pray today is that when the time comes for me, I am able to let life give that hug to my son, and watch him proudly with my arms folded.