Fat by choice, Awesome by destiny!

Have you ever heard someone saying, “there’s just more of me to love” or “I’m just looking that way, the camera adds a few pounds” or “ I just love black, it reflects my right shape”. Excuses, excuses and more excuses. Weight woes and denial go hand in hand. I wonder what it is about the w word that gets women so defensive. Defensive and so utterly irrational.

A bunch of my friends once made plans to go to the water park in Kolkata. All plans made, clothes sorted out, timing fixed, etc etc etc. We all reached there and then came my turn to change into the lycra leggings and the t-shirt I had brought along… I was ready to let morning turn to noon before I was ready to come out of that dressing room. And then of course the famous lines “Who cares, who is watching me anyway” got me to emerge. For the rest of the day, the t-shirt was pulled down in the hope that it would somehow get longer and hide all the flab. That really did not happen. But then I realized also, that the one having most fun was me, and the reason for that was again my weight or too much of it. Apparently, water and friction react differently to different weight. The 60 ft drop and swing on a water slide lasted the longest for me because my weight pushed me up every time I hit the bottom of the slide. I was beaming with pride when my friends told me that I hit the highest level in the swing. The pride kept me from telling them that something didn’t feel right in my back, but what the heck I HIT THE HIGHEST LEVEL! HAH! The other water slide was no different, three of us launched off together, but when they reached the bottom, they sank, that was it for them, but the momentum I gained with my weight was so much that I got pushed across the surface of the water like a water surfer. The others tried and tried and tried, they could never achieve that feat. I returned that day as the crowned hero of water sports, the daredevil that knew the right technique. And now, I had a new excuse for the weight I carried around, I need this for the water sports that I am so passionate about. It’s a different issue that post that day, I have not seen the face of a water park, thanks to the 3 week therapy it took to get my back to hold itself up without pain.

Sometime back, I was asked to accompany my boss to identify shirts as gifts for the team. I was so proud to be the chosen one. The one with an eye for fashion, sophisticated taste and what not. It was only after reaching the shop, I realized that I was there for size fittings. It was identified that if something fits me, it will fit everyone else. That would be the brand to buy. Needless to say, there was no brand like that, and we had to scrap the idea of buying shirts for the team. In some way, I was happy to have contributed in the decision making process. My boss after all needed me to make the decision for an entire team. Gosh! I was so valuable!!!!

I have spent endless hours analyzing all that my weight has given me and whether I want to keep it or lose it. I still haven’t made that decision. Every time I need to spend hours looking for a pair of jeans my size, I decide its time to hit the treadmill. However, once I find that pair, I am so exhausted that I need rejuvenation in the form of a Maharaja Mac. Sigh! Life keeps us busy with choices to make and decisions to take. While many decisions come easily to me, this is by far the toughest one that I haven’t taken yet! And till I take that decision, I will continue to say “Fat by choice, AWESOME by destiny”!!!

Letting go...

Recently, I was going through some old pictures of mine. Funny stages of life, funny expressions but the constant in them, innocence. As I look at my pictures now, I see a reflection of that funny expression and the same innocence in my son's face. I want to hold on to it, make that last forever, and then I remember the voice in my head. The voice of my father, and I know there will be a time, when I will need to let go.

As a little girl, like all little girls, I loved the mirror, I saw the beauty in my being. I knew I would make Miss India to say the least. My father felt so too. With every awkward inch that I grew and every hideous outfit I wore (and yes there were quite a few of those), he was there to tell me how beautiful I looked. Even when my brother made fun of me, I only had to look at my father to feel confident.

When I fell in love the first time, he didn't like the boy I was dating and he told me so in so many words, I felt my father just did not understand me. What was wrong with him, did he not want to see me happy? Well, that's exactly what he wanted, and when my heart broke for the first time I didn't need to tell him that, not once did I see the look of "I told you so!!!" in his eyes. All I saw was, "my little girl is hurting, she needs a hug". And there they were, the enveloping arms that have made me warm, comfortable, loved and healed... ALWAYS!!! When I had found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I looked for his approval. I am sure he liked him, because all he asked me was if this is what I wanted in life, and if I was sure so early in my life. All it took was to look him in the eye and nod, and the smile on his face was all the approval I needed.

On my wedding day, as I took the first steps towards the car that would take me to my new family, my new identity, he stood there, arms folded. Where was the hug that was meant to comfort me, to give me the strength to take on this new life? It wasn't there, the arms unfolded only to wave goodbye. That wave was the only thing that brought tears to my eyes. (Yes, unlike most Indian brides, I did not cry on my way out). I asked him why the very next day, I questioned him, I showed him I was angry and hurt. What he said has been with me ever since. He told me that its not that he did not want to hug me, but he was scared of doing so. He was scared that I would see that he was not ready, not ready to let go of his little girl, to hand her over to a new someone, not ready to let her start battling the ups and downs of life on her own. ON MY OWN??? Why??? Where was he going??? "I am going to be right here, but you are the one starting a new life, with a new family, a new person. You take with you the values we have given you, but from now on you build on them taking in what your new family gives you. Take the best of both and make your own value system for the family you will build ahead. From here on you build the person you want to be. From here on you become YOU!". I looked hard at him, was he trying to crack one of his famous PJ's? No! he was serious.

I cant say I understood him then, but over the years, I did understand what he meant. So many times I was confronted with what I wanted to do, and what my family wanted to do and it was left to me to decide the path we were to follow. So many times, my son has looked up to me to give him the direction he needs, wanting me to say and do what he wants to, and I have had to guide him to a decision, even if it was something which was not part of his wish list. Now I know what my father meant by me becoming me. I don't think it would have been possible if he had not had the strength to let go, to make me take my own decisions.

I know that the circle of life will take over soon, my son will grow up and will need to take his decisions independently. I hope that when that time comes, I am confident that I have given him values that he can build on. All I pray today is that when the time comes for me, I am able to let life give that hug to my son, and watch him proudly with my arms folded.